Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
