I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
do nipples grow back?
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