you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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