Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
