So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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