Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
cat food counts as protein by the way
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
