i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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