just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
