i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
