Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
