I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She just used a chaser for red wine.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize