guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
