I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize