My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
