Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You ruined the universe
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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