Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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