a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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