I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
No stitches, just platelets and will power
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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