you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize