i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
