U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
