life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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