i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
