once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
