dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I want her autograph on my taint
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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