The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
