If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Sober January is a disaster.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
