When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
