I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I checked into jail on foursquare
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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