Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
