The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
