Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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