I will die if light touches me.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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