We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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