I CAN MOONWALK!
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
