my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
