my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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