I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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