I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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