You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
