i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
My vagina is very pro this idea
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
