I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
