I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Randomize
