I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
