I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
