I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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