I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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