I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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