Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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