Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
