so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
