I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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