she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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