For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
