Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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