I just made out with a guy for $7.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize