our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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