I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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