How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
