Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
