I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
