I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Randomize
