In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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