I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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